THOUGHT OF THE WEEK
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Last week we spoke of some negatives in relationships. On the positive side you are “in love” with your partner. This is at first a deeply satisfying state . You feel intensely alive. Your existence has suddenly become meaningful because someone needs you, wants you, and makes you feel special, and you do the same for him or her. When you are together you feel whole. The feeling can become so intense that the rest of the world fades into insignificance.
However you may also have noticed that there is a neediness and a clinging quality to the intensity. You become addicted to the other person. He or she acts on you like a drug. You are on a high when the drug is available, but even the possibility or the thought that he or she might no longer be there for you can lead to jealousy, possessiveness, attempts at manipulation through emotional blackmail, blaming and accusing—fear of loss. If the other person does leave you this can give rise to the most intense hostility or the most profound grief and despair. In an instant loving tenderness can turn into a savage attack or dreadful grief. Where is love now? Can love change into its oppositre in an instant? Was it love in the first place, or just an addictive grasping and clinging?
But there comes a point when your partner behaves in ways that fail to meet your neds, or rather those of your ego. The feelings of fear, pain and lack taht are an intrinsic part of egoic consciousness but had been covered up by the “love relationship” now resurface. Just as with every other addiction, you are on a high when the drug is available, but invariably there comes atime when the drug no longer works for you. When those painful feeling reappear, you may feel them even stronger than before and what is more, you now perceive your partner as the cause of those feelings. This means that you project them outward and attack the other with all the savage violence that is part of your pain.
This attack may awaken the partner’s own pain, and he or she may counter attack. At this point, the ego is still unconsciously hoping that its attack or its attempts at manipulation will be sufficient punishment to induce your partner to change their behavior, so that it can cause them again as a cover-up for your pain.
Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain.That is why, after the initial euphoria has passed, there is so much unhappiness , so much pain in intimate relationshios. They do not cause pain and unhapiness. They bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you.
The moment that judgment stops through the acceptance of what is, you are free of the mind and its obsessions. You have made room for love, for joy, for peace. First you stop judging yourself; then you stop judging your partner. The greatest catalyst for change in a relationship is complete acceptance of your partner as he or she is, without needing to judge or change them in anyway. All mind games and addictive clinging are then over. This is the end of codependency, of being drawn into somebody else’s unconscious pattern and therby enabling it to continue. You will then either separate—in love– or move deeply into the NOW together–into Being. Can it be that simple? YES.
Love is state of Being. Your love is not outside; it is deep within you. You can never lose it and it cannot leave you. It is not dependent on some other body some external form. In the stillness of your presence, you can feel your own formless and timeless reality as the unmanifested life that animates your physical form. You can then feel the same life deep within every other human and every other creature. You look beyond the veil of form and separtaion. This is the realization of oneness. This is love.